Kushsoggy Interrogator Confesses: “In Hindsight, Removing His Head Was Counter Productive To The Interrogation Process”

  • Contributor

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    Istanbul, Turkey - One of the fundamental challenges facing interrogators throughout history has been extracting information from a target verbally as quickly as possible. Some targets start singing like John “Songbird” McCain and divulging every last piece of intel that they can think to avoid the perils of torture using various tools and techniques. Others -- having the will of Zeus himself, are reduced to a quivering mass of alpha-pulp and perish before giving up any information.

    The skill and experience of the interrogator is instrumental in the speed of information extraction. This information extraction process however, becomes exceedingly difficult when the target no longer has a head. A journal was found at the embassy with the irrefutable evidence as to the fate of Kushsoggy, a Washington Post journalist who entered the Saudi embassy in Istanbul and never emerged:

    Oct 3, 2018: 2:47 PM - Mission Report for KS-AB242
    “During the interrogation process, we tried everything to get him to talk. He wouldn’t budge. We broke out a salvo of industrial grade tools we picked up earlier from Home Depot and went to work on him. We started playing ‘this little piggy went to the market’ with his fingers until his hands were stumps. Cliché, I know. The guy still wouldn’t talk. In my entire 20+ year career in black ops embassy interrogation business, I’ve never seen anything like this. I was at wits end. When would he crack? I even broke out some medieval rectal-oriented tactics I picked from my time with the Swedish Secret Service in the late 90’s. Still nothing.

    In retrospect, I honestly can’t say at what point my blood pressure started spiking and started twisting his skull off like a soy boy struggling to open a bottle of Soylent Green. It could have been the smug look on his face; laughing at me with his eyes. After hitting a 3-pointer with his skull from across the room and getting nothing but net, I knew that my temper got the best of me and my employment contract was coming to a swift end. I need to go for a drive and figure out where my next gig is at.”

    That was the final journal entry.

    The following day a convenient car accident ended this alleged interrogators life, who was identified and connected to Kushsoggy's disappearance by local police who had found Kushsoggy's passport and wallet in pristine condition inside the mangled wreck much to the amazement of local police. One of the local police officers stated “It’s incredible that we found Kushsoggy’s passport on the alleged perpetrator in such pristine condition. The car had caught fire and was literally a smoking chassis when we eventually put out the flames. These passports nowadays seem indestructible."

    A local source close to the investigation claim that, a tattered Iranian passport, a Gay pride flag, a copy of the Quran signed by Ayatollah Khomeini, and an old Polaroid of Boy George used as a bookmark, were also found unbelievably preserved in the glove box of the smoldering wreck, despite the maelstrom that resulted from the crash.

    We’ll never truly know if Kushsoggy was the failed interrogation target that drove the now smoking, charcoaled skeletal remains of the suspected interrogator to the brink, which eventually ended his illustrious black site career, and his life with a fitting demise.∎

  • Contributor

    @main-sequence ah Prince Salman, your majesty, we did everything....we tried every technique in the book. He just lost his head. We couldn't make heads or tails of what he was spewing...so we ended it in the most merciful way we know how.

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