ISIS Slams U.S. for Delivering Toyota Pickups in White instead of Desert Trim

  • Contributor

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    Washington DC – With the Russians formally entering the fray in Syria at the end of September at the behest of Bashar Al-Assad, Russian air sorties have created a “hell on Earth” for ISIS and has thrown a proverbial wrench into their plans of consolidating a caliphate, and bringing freedom and democracy to the sovereign people of Syria.

    For the past 4 years Syria’s Bashar Al-Assad has been involved in a brutal war, which has been waged against his country, who Assad blames “foreign meddling”, which definitely has absolutely nothing to do with any plans of gas pipelines that need to traverse Syria from Qatar to supply Europe.

    Eventually, the Syrians had requested the direct assistance of the Russians who have come to Syria’s aid, and conducted airstrikes which have taken out numerous weapon factories, fuel depots, bomb caches, suicide belt factories, several fruit stands, and a makeshift outdoor BBQ restaurant called Wahad’s in a small town occupied by ISIS forces. The 24/7 Russian air bombardments by the Russians had also destroyed about 40% of ISIS infamous Toyota trucks, leaving ISIS soldiers with no AC wearing black outfits in the desert sun.

    Anonymous sources close to Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi, the ISIS Grand Pubah and leading caliphate candidate after a successive round of tryouts, was quoted as saying after the Russian airstrikes:

    “Initially when we started our journey to declare a new caliphate, we needed fucking wheels to get around in the 110 F desert heat, there was one vehicle that was at the top of our list, so we had gone online to the Toyota website and had selected the Toyota Land Cruiser VXR edition with an exterior color of “Creamy Sand” with matching leather interior, sunroof for mounting weapon turrets, 8 way power seats with cooling, and cruise control for when we travel in a convoy and have our pictures taken while we’re shooting in the air and waving our flags.

    We then sent our specifications to our US contacts for procurement.” Abu Bakr continues: “Instead, we received a fleet of base spec white Toyota Hilux trucks with none of the options that we selected online. There wasn't even a cigarette lighter, to say I was fucking furious is an understatement. I was more furious than when we were told not to actually execute one of our prisoners on camera, but rather use the movie studio and green screen in Tel Aviv to “stage” the execution.

    At first we couldn’t figure it out at first how the Russians were finding us so easily. After much debate, and several executions later, we figured out that the white paint job was giving away our position to jets and attack helicopters, who were sending my acolytes to paradise prematurely.”

    The US has condemned Russia’s airstrikes and has called for “moderate rebel jihad” against the Russian usurpers. Throughout the bombing campaign, Russian military command had released controversial footage of the airstrikes, which has resulted in a propaganda salvo of stories denying the poor color choices of ISIS vehicles as the prime reason for the successful Russian airstrikes.

    An unnamed Russian pilot who had flown several sorties in Syria stated: “It wasn’t difficult locating a convoy of stark white trucks against a sandy backdrop. The terrorists also stopped frequently and took group photos. I couldn’t believe that the previous airstrikes from NATO coalition forces had not had such luck, so like any gunner with an itchy trigger finger we ‘lit those motherfuckers up’. It was like shooting terrorists in a barrel.”

    The US-NATO command could not be reached for comment. ∎

  • Contributor

    @main-sequence fruit stands 🤣 all this needed was terrists with selfie sticks

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