U.S. Military Strategy Think Tank Develops Innovative Solution So Russians Can Distinguish “Good” Terrorists from “Bad”
Santa Monica, California – In the theater of combat operations, military industry focus groups spend billions of dollars of taxpayer largess each year, as well as money acquired through black ops, drug trafficking and shadow government operations, just to research new techniques and develop more advanced technology. One often overlooked category of research is simply how to effectively coordinate operations between various military branches, contractors in advise and assist roles, and other coalition forces.
Without collaboration and constant communications in battle between air, ground, and sea forces, the result can be a fog of war cornucopia of fuck ups that require cover ups, assassinations, outright lies and endless story fabrication by company shills and compromised media hacks expressly to relay a deformed, distorted, and deranged story shoved down the willing throats of the purposely confused American people like Ron Jeremy relentlessly dumping baby batter into Traci Lords’ piehole.
One of our reporters had a chance to meet with up with two of Rand Corp's Defense and Foreign Intelligence Strategists Priller Mortoff and Torpek Wilritt:
"Torpek and I sat down with our team of strategy consultants, key DoD stakeholders and Victoria Nuland who spoke in length about the problem of how close support attack aircraft have been turning ground troops in the field to high quality hamburger due to the inability of the pilots to distinguish friendly and enemy combatants” according to Mortoff. “After a 14 hour marathon brainstorm session and 33 pots of coffee later, we had come up with enough preliminary information to provide our think tank with a possible solution strategy which was aimed at minimizing casualties of allied ground troops and foreign backed moderate rebels/terrorists from friendly fire."
"The challenge was enormous." quipped Priller, especially in lieu of our think tank's previous contributions of some of the most innovative developments to improve ground combat operations available, such as including a pack of Tropical Jolly Ranchers in soldiers ration packs to improve morale, to the development of quick release rear hatches on combat pants for tactical shitting under fire. Several weeks after our submission, our head of Research and Development Brian Zippleman had called Torpek and I into a meeting to review the results. We were literally blown away with what they came up with. They never cease to amaze."
"Brian and his team had come up against and solved difficult challenges before, but this was on a completely new level stated Morloff. After 26 weeks, Zippleman and his team developed a specialized tactical vest overlay called A-VAGs (Aerial Visibility and Guidance) that was a direct bolt on to existing soldier combat vests. The genius in Brian's design was using the intense fluorescent orange color and aerial strobe light indicators to alert close air support pilots "who was who" on the battlefield.
The new A-VAGs high visibility strobe vest also gave ground combat troops unprecedented flexibility to use different high intensity material vest colors and lights to distinguish the various units, even in night missions." Morloff continued. The key to the success of the new vest platform - especially at night - was the strobe light which could be configured in 16.7 million different colors putting out an impressive 10,000 lumens of brightness, which could be easily seen with the human eye and with a variety of night vision and infrared systems up to 10 miles away so the position and quantity of ground troops can easily be identified from the air."
After thorough combat testing and quality assurance iterations, the prototype was showcased to officials at the DoD who immediately gave the new A-VAG platform the green light for active operations overseas and was adapted to the heterogeneous groups of terrorists and moderate rebels operating in and around Syria.
The A-VAG went into active duty with various flavors of CIA backed "moderate rebels" fighting Bashar Al-Assad initially in Al-Raqqa, Syria August 27, 2015. Agreements made under the Geneva Convention allowed all terrorist and rebel groups to have access to the A-VAG platform using funding from the Human Rights Watch organization, so commanders now had accurate, real-time visibility on the theater of combat. The implementation of the A-VAG platform wasn't without drama, but eventually all terrorist and moderate rebel groups mutually agreed on a lighting color which best represented their individual cause.
An unnamed source close to the Pentagon stated: "Now we can finally fucking see who the fuck is who -- even at night. Also the high discharge 'second-sun' strobe lights increased the efficiency of our weapon and supply airdrops to our CIA backed moderate rebels from 14% to a resounding 90%, due to the high intensity of A-VAG strobe lights. We finally had a solution that worked."
The A-VAG platform was in full combat service for 3 days, until the resulting massive casualties in the field had forced US CENTCOM to immediately retire the system, in favor of an intricate system of hand-held flags reminiscent of the battles from the movie "Braveheart". The remaining A-VAG units were auctioned off to the Elvis Skydiving troupe in Las Vegas, and various public schools back in the US which were used to enforce student crosswalk patrol. Even Deadmau5 has employed them at concerts.
The Russian military deny their 100% successful airstrike rates were attributed to the A-VAGs platform citing their "pure unadulterated skill, god-given, hardened combat experience, and general bad-assery that led to the massive terrorist bodycount." ∎