@clinicallyalive Useless NPC's have become a real epidemic. The cuckery is legendary.
Posts made by Main Sequence
RE: Here's Why Corporate Promotional Items are a Waste of Time, Money, and Resources
Here's Why Corporate Promotional Items are a Waste of Time, Money, and Resources
Like a kid in a candy store. Everyone who attends conferences wants this shit that they will never use.
People are generally excited to attend conferences or exhibitions because they:
- Don't have to do any actual work.
- Are getting paid for not doing any work.
- Can stuff their faces with all the ultra-healthy booth snacks for free, while chatting up the booth babes who pretend you are interesting, when in essence, they couldn't give a fuck and just want the day to end.
- Harvest a hearty supply of absolutely worthless promotional items made by children in sweatshops from various third-world Asian countries which they can take home and collect dust.
These promotional items could not resonate any less for the receiver as an advertising medium, other than the utility that the pens and the USB drives provide in theory. Even these generally end up living out their days in a desk drawer of other useless shit, or end up laying in the bottom of those massive over sized cardboard reinforced bags with the rope handles that companies give out their worthless little gifts, which you end up taking home and stuffing in your closet.
This useless trash only rears its ugly head when you need to move, and don't feel like packing it, so it ends up in the trash or left behind for the next tenant or the landlord to adopt, who ends up pocketing the pens, but never actually look at the writing on the pen, because who gives a fuck right?
"Thanks for calling Joe's Plumbing, how did you hear about us if I may ask?"
"Well, I came across one of your pens when I was clearing out all the useless shit I have in my basement, and although the fucking ink was dried after an intense scribbling sessions to get it going, I was compelled to call and inquire about your services."
When was the last time you picked up a pen, read the side, and then ended up spending money there.
Exactly. Never. In fact, if you inscribed "Whoever brings this pen into my shop will receive $10,000" you could rest assured, that you won't ever have to fork out the cash. You might as well just have "Whoever holds this pen can go fuck themselves".
A few years ago, I remember being at a conference in Brazil, and one company in particular was giving away their useless certified fair trade organic sweatshop manufactured promotional items in one of those industrial grade glossy cardboard triple-reinforced bags with the company logo on it, and it was so massive it looked like you could smuggle a full grown man in it. It was like carrying a coffin built for Peter Dinklage from the Game of Thrones. This bag was so thick and heavy duty, it could probably stop a 357 magnum round at point blank range.
The items in their promo/body bag were as follows:
- 3 x very high quality brochures that nobody will ever fucking read ever, even if it was the last reading material on Earth. They gave 3 brochures in case I was compelled to give them to a friend who I hated, and evangelize their company for free.
- 1 x foam stress ball, with the company logo on it, which would eventually crack and flake-off when squeezing it a few dozen times.
- 1 x respectably laughable 1 GB USB drive, with the company logo on it. The drive had the shittiest closing mechanism that has ever been engineered in that there was no way to open it once it collapsed into its sheath unless you hit it on a hard surface so it popped out slightly.
- 1 x super ultra mega low quality ball cap, with the company's name on it.
- 1 x acrylic cube key fob with the company logo laser etched into the interior of the cube, which dangled from a key chain that had already broken-off in the box.
- 1 x sunshade that smelled like a cocktail of about 17 carcinogenic chemicals, which smelled like VX poison gas after making contact with the sun for 4 hours.
- 1 x faux-leather -- that's giving it credit paper day planner with a 3-ring binder, a built in calculator and a mini pen made for people with hands the size of an action figure.
- 1 x small t-shirt with, of course, the company logo on it, which I later put on at the hotel, and tore it off like the Hulk Hogan prior to a wrestling match.
Let's not kid ourselves here -- this was all the absolute worst quality and the most useless trash that money could justifiably buy without bursting out laughing. At some point the manufacturers actually looked the buyers in the eye and maintained a straight face to sign the supply contract.
Typical conference attendees will fall into one or more of these categories:
- The Watchers (walk around don't talk to anyone, eat the free booth food, and leave)
- The Talkers (they don't know how to shut the fuck up and are in constant corporate speak mode. Fucking drones)
- The Harvesters (attend conference with the sole purpose of acquiring as much useless promotional items as they can get their hands on, with absolutely no intentions of sending any business your way, ever)
These people parasites walk around, outright stealing all the top-grade, over-engineered promotional material they see. They'll walk up to your booth, and if you have anything laying around on the tables, they'll just smile at you sheepishly, take it, and jam it into their large industrial grade bulletproof bag they have which was lifted from another booth. And let's be clear about one thing -- they will never do business, or send any business your way EVER. That's a rock solid guarantee.
Some of these guys probably built up their forearms during these events to Popeye strength proportions carrying all of their stolen sweatshop produced goods. Carrying 49 bags of groceries from the car into the house is a walk in the park for these clowns.
Companies spend a massive amount of money unnecessarily for these useless cheap "promotional items", which, to be quite frank, nobody cares about and are literally give aways to people who by and large will never engage with your business.
How can you quantify success and return on investment? Oh wait, let me get out my promotional pen and figure this out...
A Few Solid Reasons Why LinkedIn is an Absolute Waste of Time
There is no preamble here where I use the sandwich technique and talk about the good, the bad, and then the good, or the history and benefits of LinkedIn, but rather just the reasons why I think LinkedIn is an absolute waste of time.
That aside, let's have at it.
- Endless contact requests and solicitations from people you don't know, or would ever care to know.
On a standard day, I get about 1-2 contact requests from people I don't know, or from fake profiles of people I don't know and quite frankly, I'm sick of it. If I haven't met you in person, exchanged a phone call or email, or had no communication whatsoever you can go fuck yourself. Ok, I said it.
You have to ask yourself "When was the last time I actually received a meaningful contact request from someone that you haven't met?"
Here's a sampling of the types of contact requests I've received recently:
CEO's of large global banks
Random people with high-level titles in the financial services industry
CEO's of global blue chip corporations
Generals and high ranking officers from the US Military
High ranking US government officials in charge of nuclear missile programs
Hayden Panettiere (unfortunately fake)
Students from third world countries
Random people from the strangest industries and roles such as plastic film wrapping technologist or something. It was so important I recalled it instantly. And the list goes on.
To me, it seems that most people just want to haphazardly connect to anyone they possibly can irrespective of the quality or caliber. While I see this totally desperate and lame angle, it totally defeats the purpose of what LinkedIn is intended for -- which is keeping track of "your" network of the people that you know and are important to you in some way. Having any of the above unknown, fake, bullshit profiles associated with your network is like taking a dump on clean white pressed bedsheets.
Honestly, I cannot even remember the last time I received an invite or an InMail that was thought provoking, meaningful, and legitimate. Maybe 1 in 5000 are genuine aside from the ones that come as result of people you meet face-to-face at a business event for example.
Here's the last InMail I received from someone who's cold email marketing was about as useless as tits on a nun:
Good day! How are you? Fine?I hope everything is going well and this email receives you well! I was impressed with your LinkedIn profile and I wanted to take the opportunity to introduce myself and my company It seems like you have a lot of experience. We are an award winning company that specializes....
When someone asks me if this "email has received me well" I just want to trash a public restroom like Adam Sandler from Punch Drunk Love. I actually went to their website and they won exactly ZERO awards, so this was clearly a great start for him.
Seriously, fuck you buddy and your useless patronizing drivel that nobody even looking for whatever the hell you are offering even if they had a budget. I was debating whether or not I would reply to him just to mess with him, and then shoot him down and watch as his ego goes down in a ball of flames. Sometimes that's just natures way of telling people that their marketing is absolutely worthless and they should jump off the nearest bridge.
Another noteworthy pulitzer prize-winning InMail came to me courtesy of a woman from India who's title was "Sr. Business Development Director, MBA". She worked at a company that was essentially a competitor of my company in almost every single way, and she had written about a solid page of text talking about how she thoroughly researched my company, and that she sees a lot of "synergies" for business together, etc etc not realizing that it was reminiscent of her selling ice to a fuckin' Eskimo. Nothing says "Sr. Business Development Director, MBA" like a fuck up like this. It can be chalked up to "spray and pray" marketing. Her success/close rate is probably is probably 1 in 100k, maybe.
The entire integrity and quality of contacts and networks on LinkedIn is being compromised, and hijacked, largely, for "marketing" purposes. I've seen people in my contact network non-chalantly connecting to unknowingly, what are clearly fake profiles just to build a contact network to spam to. I'll be willing to wager that a solid 20% of peoples contacts are total fabrications of epic proportions.
Doing a reverse image search on these suspect profiles pictures reveal stock photos, which is clearly a breach of LinkedIn's terms of service -- essentially equating to misrepresentation. And what is LinkedIn doing about this? Basically jack fucking squat as far as I can tell.
2. Consuming news or "information" just breaks down due to volume, and doesn't scale for human consumption. Most posts are also absolutely worthless on many levels
LinkedIn has grown from a very good idea in theory, into an absolute cluster fuck of epic proportions due to sheer volume of users posting, and the absolutely useless shit they post.
This type of platform -- for the average user, just breaks down as an information consumption mechanism. The news feed might as well be a fuckin' stock ticker that scrolls across the screen or a high-speed conveyor belt. People end up having to post the same bullshit promotional crap from their company or product, that I really couldn't give a shit about. There is probably a 112% chance that nobody on the planet gives a shit about the post of your companies booth at an exhibition and to "come on by".
My news feed is littered with motivational quotes from random deceased leaders or spiritual figures, as well as Richard Branson. I see about 45 motivational quotes from Richard Branson daily. Every time I see his face I literally just want to put my fist through the screen. Let's not forget the motivational quotes that tell you that failing constantly is eventual success, and to "hang in there and tough it out", in case anyone forgot that life isn't like the movies or reality TV shows that hypnotize the masses into a false sense of aspiration to lifestyles and material wealth that you don't need.
There was a quote recently from Henry Kissinger talking about freedom. That's like Jeffrey Dahmer talking about culinary arts.
There is also a never ending stream of this shit:
Choose your birth date, and I'll tell you how your career will be in 2015.
Solve this, and we will offer you a great job in a top IT company.
What’s the first word you see?
Solve if “ur” a genius
What is the 5th name? If you answer correctly you may be a genius
90% Fail this Answer
How many balls, triangles, squares
Name a country without the letter “x”
My daughter just got straight A's
I know this is a professional site, but I just got married, got my PhD, got Cancer, became a father...
My mother just had a heart attack...
How many sticks/triangles do you see in this picture?
Can you read the numbers inside the circle?
You have ten seconds to think of a word that starts with "c" and ends with "e"
Plus many more great cult-classics that everyone knows, and fucking hates.
What really blows me away are the brain-dead drones that engage with what is clearly contact harvesting posts to later spam endless crap to your inbox a la the two aforementioned business development experts above. It's like one of those ultra annoying chain emails that your mother keeps sending, threatening the wrath of Satan if you break the chain by not forwarding and irritating your entire contact list, like a case of twin-turbo thermite-grade hemorrhoids. But hey, I am a genius now and I just got an instant job in a top IT company.
And then there's the new updates of people who have new jobs, or simply changed their current or previous job to something that sounds better than they actually have, and then have an endless list of creative-as-fuck responses such as "congrats", or "congrats bob". Wow, don't stress your creativity there folks. There was one guy I recall recently who changed his title to "unemployed, looking for new job" and he received a laundry list of congratulations. Yeah, thanks assholes. Nobody even read past the "Bob Schanklemeyer has a new job..." Yeah, Bob has a new job, looking for a new job, and definitely deserves a congratulations for that, no doubt.
Every third post has something to do with leadership or self help tips on how not to burn-out at work, which oddly enough, is a testament of the experience of being an underpaid, overworked drone working in a global economy where jobs are being outsourced and automated, and people are being kicked to the curb and given a cordial "fuck you".
This, and the majority of worthless posts from LinkedIn Influencers talking about the stupidest fucking topics you can ever imagine grasping for strawsin their quest to become a writer and/or though leader in their industry. These posts are followed by people praising the writer "great article", and nothing more, or people that really want to show up the writer by putting their pointless spin on the topic for correction to boost their own bravado. I quit commenting on LinkedIn since its crystal clear that people use the commenting function just to show everyone how clever or funny or not funny they are. Most fall into the latter category. Nobody even reads the long list of comments, and just types in their response even if the person above essentially writes the same thing. Some comments make no fucking sense.
Here's a snap-shot of the VALUE-ADDED steaming compost heap in my news feed:
Recruiter looking for a Ledger Clerk
Picture of a Chinese guy sitting at a table talking to a middle aged balding dude with a goatee holding a pen and looking serious.
An article on identifying leadership
An article on leadership training and coaching
Another fucking article on leadership, if you just recently took on a leadership role
Career self help to prevent burn-out
A picture of 4 semi-attractive drunk girls dressed in orange clothes and cowboy hats with a caption of, and I shit you not “just work smarter” followed by a smiley face emoticon
Useless post by a company advertising how to cut construction costs using transmitter technology
An article about the Internet of Things
An article about Big Data and how it can literally save a baby from a burning house
A guy posting about his new software version, and how its now in Japanese and Spanish
A picture of an Arab and his wife, with a bunch of Arabic text and crying smiley faces
Self help article on creating money from patience
Another fucking article on leadership
A guy posting that his company is now ranked #2 in a category of business I couldn’t give a fuck about
Post stating how critical career planning is
U R a genius if you can answer this question
So essentially after a read through that shit-stream, my life has new meaning.
- LinkedIn itself as a business, is struggling to stay relevant and trying to monetize every square inch of the service to "maximize shareholder value", and in the process driving people away.
A vast majority of people don't actually pay for LinkedIn, and the company is struggling to find ways to coax them into paying. I was paying them $30 a month for many years, and just recently they have downgraded my package, so if I want what I had before I have to essentially pay $60 a month. I'm sorry, and with all due respect you can go and fuck yourself, and while you're at it, the shareholders.
LinkedIn, along with a couple other tech stocks tanked 30% in April, which is no doubt an indication of its bloated over-valued position:
Let's take LinkedIn advertising, which is by and large a monumental waste of time and money. I decided to do several trial runs with some of my company's tried and tested marketing materials for Google AdWords, and I gave LinkedIn Ads a whirl. I ran three separate campaigns over a two month period, and a total of approximately 620k "impressions"were reported to have been shown on my target audience of about 170k people in 3 different industries.
The results were absolutely fucking pitiful.
The average click through rates for all three campaigns were -- and I'm not even remotely exaggerating in any way -- 0.00001%. You got it. A total of 7 people, or bots clicked on my ads, which then resulted in absolutely zero leads. My ROI was ZERO.
I did a Google search to see what other people thought and it was similar to my experience. LinkedIn ads are a complete waste of your marketing budget. In other words, a pile of steaming horse shit has more value than LinkedIn Ads. At least a garden can be fertilized, somewhere.
When my boss at the time asked me how the campaign went I felt so fucking ashamed to report my findings since this was my idea, and I also felt betrayed and "ripped off" like when you get ripped off for paying too much and your friends or family are laughing at you.
With regards to LinkedIn, and its immense user base, it's getting to the point where it hits saturation point (people are just tired of it, too much monetization) and is getting top heavy, with an inevitable tumble down, and the users will slowly start gravitating to the next social media fad.
Nobody can question the proclivity for businesses to shed the freemium business model and start monetizing their service, but there's a right way and a wrong way, and to me, clearly, LinkedIn and its shareholders are getting overly greedy with the higher and higher package prices and adding not much more value, and thus the allure and novelty of the service is being eroded in the name of quarterly revenues.
A slow, and silent "LinkedOut" movement is underway.
Boston Dynamics $32 Million “Big Dog” Autonomous Robot Upstaged by Donkey in US Marine Corp Test Trials
Arlington, Virginia — The stakes were high for Boston Dynamics, a division of Google, who had spent 3 years and $32 million USD developing a robotic, autonomous hauling platform that would revolutionize Marine Corps combat operational logistics and ‘lighten their load’ in the global theater of operational logistics.
“With the way our government butchers foreign policy, US Marines are deployed in 107 countries globally, from guarding poppy fields in Afghanistan, training ‘moderate rebels’ in Syria, Iraq, and Libya, to covert operations in other countries that have not bent to the will of our glorious country which if I told you, I would have to choke you out and murder you. It got to the point where I got fed-up of the bitching and complaints of having to haul 200 kg of equipment into the field per soldier, so we started looking for a cutting-edge solution that would allow our Marines to move farther and deeper into an area of operations and allow them to operate longer without the need for re-supply, which could jeopardize a mission and leave the marines vulnerable. Typically the marines would have to haul all of their equipment on their backs, and are limited by their physical carrying ability, so mission operations were limited to only 5-7 days, said Commander Canford Frillpop of the US Marine Corps.
Our intention with partnering with Boston Dynamics “Big Dog” autonomous robotic hauling solution, was to have the platform do the heavy lifting for the marines, and literally "take the weight off their shoulders”, and increase their stamina and morale in the field. The Big Dog, in theory, would carry more weight, and operate autonomously and follow the Marines commands. This solution would also extend mission length with more ammunitions and supplies available, and prevent risky resupplies.” touted Commander Frillpop.
Frillpop continues: "After 20 minutes of testing the Big Dog hauling platform, we noticed that it was noisier than a drummer-boy on crystal meth, and several Marines reported intense ringing in their ears reminiscent of tinitis and intense muscle contractions in their temporal lobes. It was so loud that it announced the presence of my team up to 275 meters away, putting the Marines in danger from enemy combatants, even ones with partial or total hearing loss, and even perhaps the dead in a local cemetery. Corporal Rengthronk said 'It sounded like an industrial-grade high-speed Vitamix Blender trying to frappe a handful of steel bolts and M80 firecrackers'. A decibel meter was used to measure the sound level, of the Big Dog, which clocked in at 120 Db — equivalent to that of a NASA Shuttle launch.
After a 3 second meeting with the Marines, we unanimously agreed that the Big Dog was a certified piece of dogshit, and told Google/Boston Dynamics to go fuck themselves. Sure we’ll continue using Google to search for and buy useless shit on the web and get further into crippling debt, but they need to stick to what they know, as clearly they couldn’t engineer their way out of a wet paper bag."
The US Marine Corps eventually settled on their fall back hauling platform using a special breed of tactical donkey's codenamed ‘Harold’ From Dave’s Donkey Farms LLC. One unnamed Marine was quoted as saying: “What really blew us all away was how quiet and talented Harold was compared to the Big Dog. The technology was so life-like and amazing. It’s amazing what some of these tech companies can come up with."
A Boston Dynamics spokesperson could not be immediately reached for comment.
The Facade of Training in Global Politics
The intimation of so-called "military training" as reported by the mainstream media, serves as a "sleight of hand" by governments for maneuvering forces into position to justify the continued presence/occupation in geographical theatres of potential domestic and foreign conflicts, and with minimal criticism, interference, or panic.
Training; used in the context of military operations when being reported, helps to psychologically pacify any aggressive or questionable actions of the country's military force engaged in the so-called training exercises. This is also certainly the case for domestic police and/or military exercises.
Thinking about this covert subterfuge from a governments perspective, if you had to maneuver a domestic national force into key urban centres in preparation for civil unrest for example, how would you mobilize a significant force without rousing suspicion?
Staging a "training exercise" would be the perfect cover story for the execution and justification of police or military occupation to pacify citizens could also be from the spread of a highly contagious virus, that is communicated via the media which would no doubt, make any operation against the people relatively easy and avoid question. It seems that there would need to be somewhat of a significant false flag event that would have to occur to be the catalyst to justify major domestic operations.
Successful military operations against citizens would require that citizens be disarmed prior to execution, for which a psy-ops campaign would need to be implemented long prior to mitigate the risk of violent opposition. Gun registration is a start in identifying who owns what, and where, but the actual disarmament of large swaths of weaponry and population would be an enormous endeavor and bear with it tremendous risk.
The viral outbreak method may be the best option with military personnel wearing bio-hazard suits with no weapons, and extracting people from their domicile to secure zones where, incidentally firearms are not permitted. For this, there would need to be massive camps and facilities setup for the people, and while they are away from their homes another sweeper team could collect all the firearms en masse from their homes. Of course, one could not keep the public away from their homes for long, and once they return and find their property stolen there will be rioting in the streets. However, the rioting would be severely one-sided since the majority of weapons have been seized and the citizens could be more easily controlled.
This will only work for so long before citizens band together and for militias and attempt rebellious acts of guerrilla warfare against the government which would cause country wide riots and the pre-text for a revolution.
Think about how much more difficult an extraction operation would be without being under the guise “training".
The facade of training is also used to justify military activities and build-ups in foreign territories, and war games would be the perfect cover to abstract actual conflicts from ever reaching the press.
It seems that governments will say whatever needs to be said to NOT admit that they are engaged in direct conflicts and rather use terrorists and/or rebels as the proxy scapegoats. The reason for this is blindly obvious — these proxies are not accountable to anyone or any country and therefore are not open to scrutiny by the public. It’s a brilliant tactic of abstracting the actual truth which is spun however the media controlled government desires. Almost like writing the script of a movie.
Uncovering the “Fog of Truth” takes some research and understanding of the basic factors of human behavior and motivation. Carl von Clausewitz stated “War is a continuation of politics by other means.”, and Michael Ruppert took it one step further and stated “…politics is a continuation of economics by other means.” All activity is driven by the motivation of economic gain at its core. Nobody could even think of questioning this in the capitalist economy and the market globalization as we lived in for hundreds of years.
Understanding global economics is truly equivalent in predicting major future events since the global financial markets truly underpin all other aspects of our lives. When you follow the money, and its movements throughout the global financial system you can reveal the silhouette of the upcoming political and social movements that will have a cascading effect across our civilization.
Saudi Arabia Condemns Russian Support for Syria: “It’s fucking up our planned gas pipeline construction through Syria and causing massive project delays and cost overruns.”
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia — With the clearly legitimate war raging in Syria, going into its 4th year, and Russia recently stepping up its support for Bashar Al-Assad with direct military involvement against ISIS and the 12-15 other foreign backed militias AKA ‘the good terrorists/moderate rebels’, the perpetual global “War on Terror” is in full swing.
The Russian airstrikes -- much to the sheer horror and night time meat sweats of Saudi Arabia’s Foreign Minister Adel Al-Jubeir who proclaimed: “It’s fucking up our planned gas pipeline construction through Syria, causing massive delays and cost overruns in the project. Our gas sales forecasts are all fucked now and heads will literally roll."
Al-Jubeir continues: “When I visited Moscow recently to meet with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov to discuss Assad’s removal, Mr. Lavrov was not very responsive when I gave him our ultimatum for some reason, and he had ended our 30 second meeting with a “Yop tvoy mat” and a smile. My translator, at the time, said it meant “Have a prosperous and wonderful trip home”, but during my flight back to Saudi Arabia, I kept replaying those 30 seconds in my mind over and over, and suspected that Mr. Lavrov’s final comment was more dark, and sinister than I thought. My patience and curiosity finally wore thin, so I threatened my translator with 5000 lashes, castration, the Iron Maiden, bacon boarding, and public decapitation -- in no particular order, and he finally told me that it meant 'go fuck your mother' in Russian.” stated Al-Jubeir.
Saudi Arabia has struggled over the years to educate the public on the difference between “good terrorism and bad terrorism”, hosting multiple workshops and training courses across the globe to world leaders and the general public and delivering their message of peace and prosperity for their own national interests, and to eradicate the stigma that all terrorists are bad.
"It literally blows my mind that people don’t understand the different flavors of terrorism, and stereotype so quickly. It is so very clear to us, and it is our job to educate the public and our peers and bring awareness to our noble activities." said Al-Jubeir. “First and foremost, we pay the good terrorists, provide training, and they are under our control, and do what we say ,and go where they are told. There is no risk to public safety and they are very nice, fun loving people — some of whom coach little league football and are heavily involved in the global Jihadi community.”
“We try and provide an employment environment where potential and battle hardened terrorists want to come and work for us, and we have many company perks like food for human consumption, and borderline non-potable water sent to the front lines. As a bonus we also provide 72 clean and shaven virgins -- both vagina and backs to our employees who meet their ultimate demise. This is a very powerful recruitment tool that is unmatched by any other organization”. continued Al-Jubeir.
“Like any disgruntled employee, the bad terrorists, who you hear about on TV and in 1980’s action movies, sometimes get angry when we finish a project and we don’t pay them or leave them for dead, or they get captured, and we deny knowing them, so naturally they want to kill us. Our vast media empire and links to Western media conglomerates ensures that any public relations disaster are minimized. If these employees would have read the employment contract, all terms and conditions are outlined in black and white. Sure, most are illiterate but we didn’t have the budget for vocational training set aside for Fiscal 2014/2015.” explained Al-Jubeir.
"With regards to the lack of receptivity from Russia to cease supporting Assad it is essentially a big “fuck you” to Saudi Arabia. This is unacceptable. How are we supposed to construct a pipeline through Syria to get our product to market and compete with Russia selling gas into Europe with Russia bombing our proxy moderate terrorists/rebel groups to oblivion who are trying to covertly overthrow Assad? It’s costing us too much money!” exclaimed Al-Jubeir.
Saudi Arabia has recently announced stepping up support of their in-theater assets, which will push Syria into a further chaos and destruction and continue stoking the flames of war and furthering their wet dream of gas pipeline nirvana, no matter the human death toll, and whose bold “sun tzu-like” strategy is to keep throwing human bodies at Russia until Russia runs out of bombs and bullets. ∎
U.S. Military Strategy Think Tank Develops Innovative Solution So Russians Can Distinguish “Good” Terrorists from “Bad”
Santa Monica, California – In the theater of combat operations, military industry focus groups spend billions of dollars of taxpayer largess each year, as well as money acquired through black ops, drug trafficking and shadow government operations, just to research new techniques and develop more advanced technology. One often overlooked category of research is simply how to effectively coordinate operations between various military branches, contractors in advise and assist roles, and other coalition forces.
Without collaboration and constant communications in battle between air, ground, and sea forces, the result can be a fog of war cornucopia of fuck ups that require cover ups, assassinations, outright lies and endless story fabrication by company shills and compromised media hacks expressly to relay a deformed, distorted, and deranged story shoved down the willing throats of the purposely confused American people like Ron Jeremy relentlessly dumping baby batter into Traci Lords’ piehole.
One of our reporters had a chance to meet with up with two of Rand Corp's Defense and Foreign Intelligence Strategists Priller Mortoff and Torpek Wilritt:
"Torpek and I sat down with our team of strategy consultants, key DoD stakeholders and Victoria Nuland who spoke in length about the problem of how close support attack aircraft have been turning ground troops in the field to high quality hamburger due to the inability of the pilots to distinguish friendly and enemy combatants” according to Mortoff. “After a 14 hour marathon brainstorm session and 33 pots of coffee later, we had come up with enough preliminary information to provide our think tank with a possible solution strategy which was aimed at minimizing casualties of allied ground troops and foreign backed moderate rebels/terrorists from friendly fire."
"The challenge was enormous." quipped Priller, especially in lieu of our think tank's previous contributions of some of the most innovative developments to improve ground combat operations available, such as including a pack of Tropical Jolly Ranchers in soldiers ration packs to improve morale, to the development of quick release rear hatches on combat pants for tactical shitting under fire. Several weeks after our submission, our head of Research and Development Brian Zippleman had called Torpek and I into a meeting to review the results. We were literally blown away with what they came up with. They never cease to amaze."
"Brian and his team had come up against and solved difficult challenges before, but this was on a completely new level stated Morloff. After 26 weeks, Zippleman and his team developed a specialized tactical vest overlay called A-VAGs (Aerial Visibility and Guidance) that was a direct bolt on to existing soldier combat vests. The genius in Brian's design was using the intense fluorescent orange color and aerial strobe light indicators to alert close air support pilots "who was who" on the battlefield.
The new A-VAGs high visibility strobe vest also gave ground combat troops unprecedented flexibility to use different high intensity material vest colors and lights to distinguish the various units, even in night missions." Morloff continued. The key to the success of the new vest platform - especially at night - was the strobe light which could be configured in 16.7 million different colors putting out an impressive 10,000 lumens of brightness, which could be easily seen with the human eye and with a variety of night vision and infrared systems up to 10 miles away so the position and quantity of ground troops can easily be identified from the air."
After thorough combat testing and quality assurance iterations, the prototype was showcased to officials at the DoD who immediately gave the new A-VAG platform the green light for active operations overseas and was adapted to the heterogeneous groups of terrorists and moderate rebels operating in and around Syria.
The A-VAG went into active duty with various flavors of CIA backed "moderate rebels" fighting Bashar Al-Assad initially in Al-Raqqa, Syria August 27, 2015. Agreements made under the Geneva Convention allowed all terrorist and rebel groups to have access to the A-VAG platform using funding from the Human Rights Watch organization, so commanders now had accurate, real-time visibility on the theater of combat. The implementation of the A-VAG platform wasn't without drama, but eventually all terrorist and moderate rebel groups mutually agreed on a lighting color which best represented their individual cause.
An unnamed source close to the Pentagon stated: "Now we can finally fucking see who the fuck is who -- even at night. Also the high discharge 'second-sun' strobe lights increased the efficiency of our weapon and supply airdrops to our CIA backed moderate rebels from 14% to a resounding 90%, due to the high intensity of A-VAG strobe lights. We finally had a solution that worked."
The A-VAG platform was in full combat service for 3 days, until the resulting massive casualties in the field had forced US CENTCOM to immediately retire the system, in favor of an intricate system of hand-held flags reminiscent of the battles from the movie "Braveheart". The remaining A-VAG units were auctioned off to the Elvis Skydiving troupe in Las Vegas, and various public schools back in the US which were used to enforce student crosswalk patrol. Even Deadmau5 has employed them at concerts.
The Russian military deny their 100% successful airstrike rates were attributed to the A-VAGs platform citing their "pure unadulterated skill, god-given, hardened combat experience, and general bad-assery that led to the massive terrorist bodycount." ∎
ISIS Slams U.S. for Delivering Toyota Pickups in White instead of Desert Trim
Washington DC – With the Russians formally entering the fray in Syria at the end of September at the behest of Bashar Al-Assad, Russian air sorties have created a “hell on Earth” for ISIS and has thrown a proverbial wrench into their plans of consolidating a caliphate, and bringing freedom and democracy to the sovereign people of Syria.
For the past 4 years Syria’s Bashar Al-Assad has been involved in a brutal war, which has been waged against his country, who Assad blames “foreign meddling”, which definitely has absolutely nothing to do with any plans of gas pipelines that need to traverse Syria from Qatar to supply Europe.
Eventually, the Syrians had requested the direct assistance of the Russians who have come to Syria’s aid, and conducted airstrikes which have taken out numerous weapon factories, fuel depots, bomb caches, suicide belt factories, several fruit stands, and a makeshift outdoor BBQ restaurant called Wahad’s in a small town occupied by ISIS forces. The 24/7 Russian air bombardments by the Russians had also destroyed about 40% of ISIS infamous Toyota trucks, leaving ISIS soldiers with no AC wearing black outfits in the desert sun.
Anonymous sources close to Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi, the ISIS Grand Pubah and leading caliphate candidate after a successive round of tryouts, was quoted as saying after the Russian airstrikes:
“Initially when we started our journey to declare a new caliphate, we needed fucking wheels to get around in the 110 F desert heat, there was one vehicle that was at the top of our list, so we had gone online to the Toyota website and had selected the Toyota Land Cruiser VXR edition with an exterior color of “Creamy Sand” with matching leather interior, sunroof for mounting weapon turrets, 8 way power seats with cooling, and cruise control for when we travel in a convoy and have our pictures taken while we’re shooting in the air and waving our flags.
We then sent our specifications to our US contacts for procurement.” Abu Bakr continues: “Instead, we received a fleet of base spec white Toyota Hilux trucks with none of the options that we selected online. There wasn't even a cigarette lighter, to say I was fucking furious is an understatement. I was more furious than when we were told not to actually execute one of our prisoners on camera, but rather use the movie studio and green screen in Tel Aviv to “stage” the execution.
At first we couldn’t figure it out at first how the Russians were finding us so easily. After much debate, and several executions later, we figured out that the white paint job was giving away our position to jets and attack helicopters, who were sending my acolytes to paradise prematurely.”
The US has condemned Russia’s airstrikes and has called for “moderate rebel jihad” against the Russian usurpers. Throughout the bombing campaign, Russian military command had released controversial footage of the airstrikes, which has resulted in a propaganda salvo of stories denying the poor color choices of ISIS vehicles as the prime reason for the successful Russian airstrikes.
An unnamed Russian pilot who had flown several sorties in Syria stated: “It wasn’t difficult locating a convoy of stark white trucks against a sandy backdrop. The terrorists also stopped frequently and took group photos. I couldn’t believe that the previous airstrikes from NATO coalition forces had not had such luck, so like any gunner with an itchy trigger finger we ‘lit those motherfuckers up’. It was like shooting terrorists in a barrel.”
The US-NATO command could not be reached for comment. ∎
Kushsoggy Interrogator Confesses: “In Hindsight, Removing His Head Was Counter Productive To The Interrogation Process”
Istanbul, Turkey - One of the fundamental challenges facing interrogators throughout history has been extracting information from a target verbally as quickly as possible. Some targets start singing like John “Songbird” McCain and divulging every last piece of intel that they can think to avoid the perils of torture using various tools and techniques. Others -- having the will of Zeus himself, are reduced to a quivering mass of alpha-pulp and perish before giving up any information.
The skill and experience of the interrogator is instrumental in the speed of information extraction. This information extraction process however, becomes exceedingly difficult when the target no longer has a head. A journal was found at the embassy with the irrefutable evidence as to the fate of Kushsoggy, a Washington Post journalist who entered the Saudi embassy in Istanbul and never emerged:
Oct 3, 2018: 2:47 PM - Mission Report for KS-AB242
“During the interrogation process, we tried everything to get him to talk. He wouldn’t budge. We broke out a salvo of industrial grade tools we picked up earlier from Home Depot and went to work on him. We started playing ‘this little piggy went to the market’ with his fingers until his hands were stumps. Cliché, I know. The guy still wouldn’t talk. In my entire 20+ year career in black ops embassy interrogation business, I’ve never seen anything like this. I was at wits end. When would he crack? I even broke out some medieval rectal-oriented tactics I picked from my time with the Swedish Secret Service in the late 90’s. Still nothing.
In retrospect, I honestly can’t say at what point my blood pressure started spiking and started twisting his skull off like a soy boy struggling to open a bottle of Soylent Green. It could have been the smug look on his face; laughing at me with his eyes. After hitting a 3-pointer with his skull from across the room and getting nothing but net, I knew that my temper got the best of me and my employment contract was coming to a swift end. I need to go for a drive and figure out where my next gig is at.”
That was the final journal entry.
The following day a convenient car accident ended this alleged interrogators life, who was identified and connected to Kushsoggy's disappearance by local police who had found Kushsoggy's passport and wallet in pristine condition inside the mangled wreck much to the amazement of local police. One of the local police officers stated “It’s incredible that we found Kushsoggy’s passport on the alleged perpetrator in such pristine condition. The car had caught fire and was literally a smoking chassis when we eventually put out the flames. These passports nowadays seem indestructible."
A local source close to the investigation claim that, a tattered Iranian passport, a Gay pride flag, a copy of the Quran signed by Ayatollah Khomeini, and an old Polaroid of Boy George used as a bookmark, were also found unbelievably preserved in the glove box of the smoldering wreck, despite the maelstrom that resulted from the crash.
We’ll never truly know if Kushsoggy was the failed interrogation target that drove the now smoking, charcoaled skeletal remains of the suspected interrogator to the brink, which eventually ended his illustrious black site career, and his life with a fitting demise.∎